INTENTIONAL PARENTING 3
INTENTIONAL PARENTING 3
Parenting has become complicated in the 21st century.
In the old times parents where the ones in control of the knowledge that was
passed on to their children but nowadays with globalization, the internet has
made so much information available to our children in ways that are difficult
to regulate. This is because some people with their own agendas that are
generally commercial are selling their ideas and intending to create a culture
that will create markets for their values and products. This is echoed in the
words of Gordon Pennington that I usually quote who said, “If you take me into
your child’s bedroom and show me the clothes they wear, the cartoons and movies
they watch, the music they listen to, the posters and pictures on their walls,
I will tell you the top 5 Madison Avenue agencies that are discipling your
child”.
Who is shaping the identities of our children and the way they see
themselves? According to scientific research, by the time an average girl
reaches the age of 15 she would have had some 13000 hours of comparison forced
upon her in media telling her what she ought to look like and be like in order
to be cool. Culture, when under the influence of the devil is designed to rob
you of your uniqueness and make you feel by comparison to an unreal standard,
that you do not measure up. With this in mind we need to be deliberate and knowledgeable
in our approach to parenting. I am not here speaking just to parents and
guardians of children in homes but also to all institutions that work with
children from churches, sports academies, kindergartens or preschools and early
childhood development centers.
If these families and institutions will continue with an
instinctive, passive approach to raising children then the destinies or our
children and societies are in serious jeopardy. This is why I am bringing this
issue of intentional parenting. The three major goals or focus areas of
intentional parenting that we will look at in this blog are, Grooming,
Nurturing and Harnessing. Intentional Parenting is Grooming. Intentional
Parenting is Nurturing and Intentional Parenting is Harnessing.
INTENTIONAL PARENTING AS
GROOMING.
Parenting serves to GROOM the offspring in the God –Life, God- Mind,
God- Nature & God- Abilities. This is because our children like any other
human beings are created in the image of God and are there to have dominion
over their environments and find meaning in their lives. It therefore means you
as the parent are supposed to be acquainted and skilled in these otherwise you
have nothing to pass on to your offspring. “The extent
to which we as parents know ourselves is the extent to which our children will
know themselves”.
You will have motivation to develop
yourself and to know who you truly are by original design if you are aware that
you are unique and created for a specific purpose in the kingdom of God. So is
our offspring, they are children of the King of kings and we are to groom them
as such. We have to be very sure of the kind of children we want to have, the
values, beliefs, skills and perceptions we intend them to have about life and
be intentional to expose them to environments that groom them to be such. It is
in this context that the word of God says,
Train up a child in the way that they should go so that when they are old they
will not depart from it.
The extent to which we as parents know ourselves is the extent to which
our children will know themselves. The bible shows the story of one of the most
intentional parents that I have seen. He groomed his child to be a wise leader.
Many know the story of Solomon and how when asked what he would want from God,
asked for Wisdom and Understanding. Many think that it was of his own choice
that he chose wisdom above everything else. The same bible shows that his
upbringing groomed him to make that choice as we listen to the words of Solomon
saying,
When I was a boy in
my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me
and said, "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and
you will live. Get wisdom, get
understanding; …. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all
you have, get understanding. [Prov 4:3-7]
He was groomed by his father in
terms of his values, priorities and choices and he did not depart from this as
we see him exercising what he had been groomed to do.
INTENTIONAL PARENTING AS
NURTURING.
Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your
children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged
and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their
spirit.], but
rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and
admonition of the Lord. [Ephesians 6: 4]
Nurturing of children has to be on all aspects of growth and
development of the child. Providing the physical needs of the child like food,
shelter, clothing is somehow clear. The challenge is that most parents focus on
this aspect and are not intentional on the emotional and spiritual aspect. It
is the emotional and spiritual aspect that are critical in the development of
the image and esteem of the child. If you reflect on your upbringing what
memories do you have of your parents of guardians. Think of the kind of
memories you would want your children to have of you and be intentional in
creating them.
What happens inside of you when you hear of stories of child
molestation. If you see an adult who sexually abuse a 3-year-old, how do you
feel? I know the feeling is terrible because you know that the child is
defenseless and innocent. Such are the souls of our children and you should be
very conscious that our actions and the environments we raise our children in
will have a direct impact on the innocent and fragile souls of the children we
have in our trust. Violent scenes and harsh words especially between parents
have a sizable impact on the emotional development of children.
Parents should consider the kind of expectations that they put on
their children. Several times parents have emotional inadequacies and pressures
of their own as they battle for their own self-esteem and begin to have
unbearable expectations on their children that maybe very stressful on
children. As parents with a nurturing responsibility we should be aware of the
amount of stress we expose our children to. Famous Psychologist Leo Vygotsky
had a breakthrough when he first began to talk about the zone of proximal
development. He said children learn best when tasks are not too easy and not
too difficult. So we should take our time to study child development and know
where our children uniquely are. We do not raise children with standard
expectations but should nurture children differently according to their
uniqueness.
We are assigned to nurture the treasures in our offspring by God their
creator. Maybe for the sake of
propagating the correct perspective let’s not call our children our children
let’s call them our offspring. After all
God is the father of all. I think that’s
why Jesus said “Call no man father for you have only one Father God in heaven” With
this consciousness we would not be possessive of our children and not force
them to be what we want them to be, but with meekness we would then try to
discover their uniqueness and nurture it.
Conscious
and intentional efforts’ pricelessness can be seen in the words of Shefali
Tsabary in her Ted Talk on Conscious Parenting who said,
“The extent to which we as parents can love
deeply, laugh loudly, risk bravely and lose freely is the extent to which our
children will know joy and freedom. The extent to which we as parents will run
out in the rain without fear of getting wet is the extent to which our children
will live their lives with courage.
INTENTIONAL PARENTING AS HARNESSING.
Humility, temperament, meekness and
self-control are valuable virtues for success because they reflect an ability
to harness ourselves; the only power that we can use is only the power that we have
managed to harness- Coach Tarie: The Wisdom Garden
The final aspect that we will look at in terms of intentional
parenting is the aspect of harnessing. Children come with different
temperaments, gifts, talents and abilities. I remember listening to Mike
Murdock preaching one day when he was talking of his upbringing. He was born
naturally being talkative which seemed opposite to his father. So in his
development he was always being taught by his parents to speak less and try to
be the silent type. He would quote and declare scriptures that talked about
taming the tounge and speaking less. He then talks of one day when his mother
said to him, “maybe God has called you to speak”. From this day his mother
taught him to pray and make effort to make sure that he would have something
important and valuable to say. Now Mike is a man of great wisdom and whenever
he opens his mouth to speak out of his mouth oozes great wisdom. This story
shows that the parents identified what their child was gifted in and harnessed
it for good.
It is the parent’s responsibility to identify what their children
are uniquely gifted in and help in development of such for productive use. This
means that when you have children under your care it’s your responsibility to
take each one as a unique individual and find ways of harnessing their
uniqueness for productive use. When we take a close look at most parents in
bible times we see that most of them were priviledged to know the prophetic
destiny of their children and identify gifts that had to be developed. I
believe our maker is ready to reveal prophetic destinies of our children and
the gifts that they are endowed with. There is so much grace that is available
to parents when it comes to prophetic destinies of children. We have to maximize
on this and ask for God to reveal that which we can’t see about our children so
that we can be intentional in our parenting to harness what our children are
loaded with and groom it for their future success and productivity.
Every child comes with a
script that is written by their maker that they are supposed to live out but
many never realize such scripts because parents, teachers and guardians are not
there to help them grow along the lines of their unique scripts. This is revealed by the psalmist when he wrote
saying,
For you created my inmost
being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full
well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed
body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them
came to be. How precious to me are your
thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! [Ps 139:13-17]
It is our responsibility as parents to get to understand what our
children are uniquely designed to do and gifted with. Having discovered that we
need to be deliberate in giving our children the right values that will protect
the destinies of the children. It’s our responsibility to harness and help our
children to grow to become what they were created to be and do. If this is
hidden from us we should seek after it, for the world tells us that,
It is the glory of God to
conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings. [Prov 25:2]
In conclusion, having looked at the three major aspects of Intentional
Parenting in grooming, nurturing and harnessing, it is important to note that
the first and most important step is how much we know ourselves and understand
our expectations as parents. Intentional Parents need to have a strong
relationship with the true parent of the offspring we are entrusted with as
stewards and managers who is God the real father. The next most important thing
that follows that is the skill of emotional intelligence especially two of its
attributes of Self Awareness and Social Awareness. Parents should be aware of
their temperaments, emotions, attitude, perceptions and actions and how these
affect their association and contribution in shaping destinies of children
entrusted to their care. To Learn more and get help in these aspects, Coach
Tarie Coaching and Consultancy (COTACC) is there to assist. The destiny of this
generation and our continent is in our parenting approaches.
Coach Tarie-Pastor|Life
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